like an idiot, because this is all lavi, just his idiotic temper instead of the blood-lust that keeps grabbing hold of him since he got back. but he doesn't hit back, beyond making sure he lands on top, slamming his hands on the ground on either side of Kon.]
I'm not pretending! I'm... [....
'i want to run away'.
but it's touch week, so Lavi just stays still, breathing hard. his stupid broken arm hurts even worse because he jostled it while he was being a moron, but he welcomes the pain. it helps blot out everything else, like the sheer embarrassment that will surely follow after.
but for now he just sits on top of kon and bleeds on him a little,]
[ of course, there's the side effect of kon's head throbbing as he slams their foreheads together - but it doesn't bother him that much, really. he's too mad at lavi to pay it much mind. logically, he knows it's not totally his fault. his own excursion left him furious at everything and ready to pick a fight until after trial ended.
but he remembers lavi's execution, and his personal demons hidden in his shadow. one part conditioning, one part effect, one part something kept personal and deep inside.
so, yeah. he's angry.
lavi tackling him isn't unexpected, but he still hits the ground with a winded grunt, managing not to bang the back of his head to match the front of it as he reaches up to grab hold of lavi's upper arms. besides that, though, he doesn't struggle, doesn't fight back against him just yet.
... the anger doesn't fade, when he trails off. but kon reaches up after scanning his face, letting go of his arms so that he can just drag lavi down and press his head into his chest. blood be damned. ]
[All he can see is Kon's face, until he can't. Lavi goes still, then he moves, not so much pushing back as he's pulling himself closer, gripping the sides of Kon's haori, blood be damned.
He can't tell how much of this is him or whatever hell's newest effect is, and he's not sure if he cares to know that answer. All he knows is that he's so tired, and it's not fair that he's tired when tomorrow will bring them more people (one of them being the person who used Tuuri and killed Kon), and how much he hates the timing of it all -- that once again he's broken down and vulnerable in all the worst ways in front of Kon, again.
He hates that he feels grateful that it's Kon who's here, and not any of the others who'd use this moment against him. He misses compassion. He misses kindness. He misses his comrades so much, even though he's forgotten almost all of their faces. He misses the living, even if he's forgotten a few of them too.
But he hasn't forgotten their kindness (and he wishes he had, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad). He just keeps his face pressed against Kon's chest, eye closed as the first tear slips from him, then the second. then the third. until he's crying, the emotional weight of it would feel like he's drowning, if he couldn't hear the steady beat of Kon's heart, beating in tandem.]
[ they're on the ground, in a heap, and it makes for a sight. lavi, beaten and broken in more ways than one, blood staining clothes and skin. kon not fighting back because he doesn't feel that he needs to, now that he's tried to literally knock sense into him. it'd almost be comical if it wasn't heart wrenching.
for a little while, kon doesn't say anything. doesn't push or pull. doesn't berate him or try to break through what remains of lavi's defenses.
instead, his hands go from holding him there against him to let him fold his arms around lavi as he feels the wetness against his chest soaking in. like he can hold all the fragile pieces in place as he starts to fall apart under the weight of a burden that's been built and held for far, far too long. ]
... it's okay, Lavi. It fucking sucks. It all fucking sucks. But it's okay to let it out. It's just us.
[lavi lets the words sink in, and for once, accepts the closeness of another human being.
eventually the tears stop, and lavi loosens his hold so he can roll over onto the ground next to kon, pressing his face into his good elbow to wipe at his eyes. ...He thinks about saying sorry, but his forehead is still bruised real good, he doesn't exactly want to add another to it. sometimes, lavi is Smart..... in some ways? not often enough. instead,]
...Can I crash at your place tonight?
[where does lavi sleep usually, i have no idea. but like. he doesn't want to go back into the city and run into more people to accidentally kill, or run into anyone else who'd ask questions.
it doesn't feel safe, for him or for the others.
funny. that means he feels safe here, doesn't he?]
[ something unclenches in his chest, in his throat, when lavi seems to come down from his spiral. and as he moves to roll over, the further arm drops and the one that he essentially rolls into moves with him. it lets him reach up, tenderly testing the skin of his forehead under his bangs - ow.
(worth it. worth every second of pain and frustration for this.)
(he'd round on him again if he apologized, too.)
a beat, then: ]
Lavi, you can just stay here. You're the one that put it together for me in the first place. You belong here just as much as I do.
[the way they have two functioning arms between them,
His eyes track Kon's movements, and he props himself to sitting with his good hand. only to lean over so he can get a proper look at Kon's tender forehead. idiot!!]
...I made it for you. [gay i mean -- he keeps his gaze pinned on Kon's forehead, a little discomfited by (how gay) how the words sound.] I know you like your privacy.
[a nice safe space to hopefully process trauma and not compartmentalize it, he means. though it is a lonely space, now that lavi thinks about it. he'd made it for kon and yoru, after all.]
And you deserve it too, especially after that shit show.
Yeah, you did. But, y'know, in some cultures that's meant to be something shared. [ it's a tease, a little, to try and alleviate some of the tension that's settled into lavi over the course of the past 24 hours.
he smooths his bangs back, holding them out of the way so lavi can see. ] I like privacy, but I like you, too, and those things aren't mutually exclusive.
... better having you around after that shit show, anyways. [ especially with mephisto joining them soon. ]
[KON..... that at least gets lavi to stop looking so serious, that almost unreadable look in his eye turning wry instead,
then, just a hint of a tremble -- kon has really said 'i like you' five thousand times to lavi and yet he's still like '?' -- but the hand he extends for Kon's is steady,]
...Come on, let's get you up.
[he'll help pull Kon to his feet, more strength than might be expected from someone who's full up on injuries. but Lavi's used to this feeling too, the tightness and pain. he lets those feelings wash over him, all while knowing that he should have an answer back for him.]
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no subject
like an idiot, because this is all lavi, just his idiotic temper instead of the blood-lust that keeps grabbing hold of him since he got back. but he doesn't hit back, beyond making sure he lands on top, slamming his hands on the ground on either side of Kon.]
I'm not pretending! I'm... [....
'i want to run away'.
but it's touch week, so Lavi just stays still, breathing hard. his stupid broken arm hurts even worse because he jostled it while he was being a moron, but he welcomes the pain. it helps blot out everything else, like the sheer embarrassment that will surely follow after.
but for now he just sits on top of kon and bleeds on him a little,]
no subject
but he remembers lavi's execution, and his personal demons hidden in his shadow. one part conditioning, one part effect, one part something kept personal and deep inside.
so, yeah. he's angry.
lavi tackling him isn't unexpected, but he still hits the ground with a winded grunt, managing not to bang the back of his head to match the front of it as he reaches up to grab hold of lavi's upper arms. besides that, though, he doesn't struggle, doesn't fight back against him just yet.
... the anger doesn't fade, when he trails off. but kon reaches up after scanning his face, letting go of his arms so that he can just drag lavi down and press his head into his chest. blood be damned. ]
no subject
He can't tell how much of this is him or whatever hell's newest effect is, and he's not sure if he cares to know that answer. All he knows is that he's so tired, and it's not fair that he's tired when tomorrow will bring them more people (one of them being the person who used Tuuri and killed Kon), and how much he hates the timing of it all -- that once again he's broken down and vulnerable in all the worst ways in front of Kon, again.
He hates that he feels grateful that it's Kon who's here, and not any of the others who'd use this moment against him. He misses compassion. He misses kindness. He misses his comrades so much, even though he's forgotten almost all of their faces. He misses the living, even if he's forgotten a few of them too.
But he hasn't forgotten their kindness (and he wishes he had, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad). He just keeps his face pressed against Kon's chest, eye closed as the first tear slips from him, then the second. then the third. until he's crying, the emotional weight of it would feel like he's drowning, if he couldn't hear the steady beat of Kon's heart, beating in tandem.]
no subject
for a little while, kon doesn't say anything. doesn't push or pull. doesn't berate him or try to break through what remains of lavi's defenses.
instead, his hands go from holding him there against him to let him fold his arms around lavi as he feels the wetness against his chest soaking in. like he can hold all the fragile pieces in place as he starts to fall apart under the weight of a burden that's been built and held for far, far too long. ]
... it's okay, Lavi. It fucking sucks. It all fucking sucks. But it's okay to let it out. It's just us.
no subject
eventually the tears stop, and lavi loosens his hold so he can roll over onto the ground next to kon, pressing his face into his good elbow to wipe at his eyes. ...He thinks about saying sorry, but his forehead is still bruised real good, he doesn't exactly want to add another to it. sometimes, lavi is Smart..... in some ways? not often enough. instead,]
...Can I crash at your place tonight?
[where does lavi sleep usually, i have no idea. but like. he doesn't want to go back into the city and run into more people to accidentally kill, or run into anyone else who'd ask questions.
it doesn't feel safe, for him or for the others.
funny. that means he feels safe here, doesn't he?]
no subject
(worth it. worth every second of pain and frustration for this.)
(he'd round on him again if he apologized, too.)
a beat, then: ]
Lavi, you can just stay here. You're the one that put it together for me in the first place. You belong here just as much as I do.
[ idiot. ]
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His eyes track Kon's movements, and he props himself to sitting with his good hand. only to lean over so he can get a proper look at Kon's tender forehead. idiot!!]
...I made it for you. [gay i mean -- he keeps his gaze pinned on Kon's forehead, a little discomfited by (how gay) how the words sound.] I know you like your privacy.
[a nice safe space to hopefully process trauma and not compartmentalize it, he means. though it is a lonely space, now that lavi thinks about it. he'd made it for kon and yoru, after all.]
And you deserve it too, especially after that shit show.
[mephisto. bitch.]
no subject
Yeah, you did. But, y'know, in some cultures that's meant to be something shared. [ it's a tease, a little, to try and alleviate some of the tension that's settled into lavi over the course of the past 24 hours.
he smooths his bangs back, holding them out of the way so lavi can see. ] I like privacy, but I like you, too, and those things aren't mutually exclusive.
... better having you around after that shit show, anyways. [ especially with mephisto joining them soon. ]
no subject
then, just a hint of a tremble -- kon has really said 'i like you' five thousand times to lavi and yet he's still like '?' -- but the hand he extends for Kon's is steady,]
...Come on, let's get you up.
[he'll help pull Kon to his feet, more strength than might be expected from someone who's full up on injuries. but Lavi's used to this feeling too, the tightness and pain. he lets those feelings wash over him, all while knowing that he should have an answer back for him.]
Think I'm ready to sleep for a whole year.