So, what, wind up turning on someone else when it hits again? I trust you, Lavi. And I trust myself to be able to face it.
[ he doesn't say you won't hurt me, because maybe he will. maybe he'll swing and follow through on it, maybe he'll lash out and use his hammer. but kon's more worried about him than what he could turn around and do to him.
because he's tired of not being able to do anything for the people he cares about. ]
Right. [ lavi's touch is still there, but kon doesn't pull away. his pulse doesn't jump in his wrist, he doesn't tense up. he just looks at him. ] Because that was in your control. Because you don't feel any remorse over it.
[ hana was cringe on thursday, and now it's lavi's turn. he'd like for the people he cares about to stop being fucked with by hell, actually - they've been through enough at this point. ]
You can leave, if you really want. But I'll tell you now that I don't want you to.
...There's a flash of something in Lavi's eye, that makes him look away from Kon's gaze like it's too bright for him. All of him is actually. He thinks Kon reminds him of someone dear to him, someone he knew when he was alive, but Lavi can't remember anything beyond that.]
...Why? Because we're friends?
[rationally, logically, that should be enough. Kon is a caring guy -- he has to be, to reach out to Tuuri even after she killed him -- so in the grand scheme of things, him not wanting to leave Lavi alone while he's injured and clearly an incredible mess makes sense.
but there's something about that line of reasoning that feels like a scab, painful and irritating, and so, Lavi picks at it]
You're so thick. [ it isn't necessarily said unkindly, especially given the fact that lavi reacts the way he does. kon is, unfortunately, always observant, always watching. lavi turns his gaze away, and kon watches. catalogues it. ]
You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. I want to know more about you. You're someone that I enjoy being around, and feel comfortable with, even if it's doing nothing. I like you. A lot, actually.
[ different worlds. different stories. different expectations. but it doesn't really matter, in the long run. for as much as he wants to get out of hell, the people here matter to him - he wants to go to the eighth galaxy with lu bixing and lin jingheng, see the wild potential of the future; he wants to get to know harrow and gideon more, find something comfortable in the home of engineer 001 and commander lin with them; he wants to go with hana to her future, see the meka bay, meet her team.
for all that lavi picks at the scab, it doesn't stop him. he wants to know lavi and what he's gone through. ]
But if you want to simplify it, sure. We're friends, and I care about you, you fucking idiot.
This is less picking at a scab and more sliding a knife between his ribs. He thinks about all the ways "Lavi" would respond to this, with a laugh, a teasing exclamation. He thinks about how hard it is to put on the mask when the last twenty four hours have so thoroughly unraveled it. He can't even muster his usual smile. He's not ready. He can't do this. He's being incredibly dramatic over something someone normal would appreciate and be happy over, but he's not normal. He's just -- something. Masks all cobbled together into one.
'I'm sorry. Thank you. I like you too'.
his jaw sets instead, and he turns back to look at Kon, angry and rattled and angry that he's rattled in the first place, more real in this moment than perhaps he's ever been. Of all the emotions Lavi's learned to mask, he's never quite gotten a handle on his anger. Maybe it's the most real thing about him.]
I'm meant to be liked. Everyone likes me -- because I make it that way. It's not real.
...You were there at my execution. You know the truth.
[that he's not meant to matter? he's just this empty space of a person, made to hold a pen and record history. made to be cared for, but only just enough]
at least the anger is familiar. his has only really reared its head when emotions were heightened, fierce and barely restrained. otherwise he has had to keep it under wraps, because other people have had worse tempers, less restraint, are more prone to lashing out.
so.
kon does not hesitate - he rears back, and just headbutts lavi head-on. if he wants him to lash out, then he's going to lash out, as a purely physical person despite the intelligence, how logic-based he is. and it's not a gentle hit, regardless of lavi's general injuries. ]
You're real! You're a real, living person, no matter your duties! Fuck your stupid shadows and what they said, and fuck whatever stupid bullshit your trip has wedged into that thick skull of yours. Surprise, asshole - you matter to the people that're around you, and it's not because of you making it that way!
For as much as you want to pretend things about you aren't real, you're still a human being, you fuck.
[He's not sure what he expected. More of Kon's cool, calm logic? Anger, maybe. The kind that comes with washing your hands of an idiot (lavi), that Lavi wouldn't blame him for. Anything but this FERAL HEAD BUTT???
It's a solid hit!!!! Lavi absolutely falls on his ass!!! One hand clamped over his forehead sans headband, swearing as the cut on it reopens, but none of that really matters? He just stares up at Kon, like the idiot asshole he is, like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to rise up and pierce him through, so he can die again without having to acknowledge something that sounds dangerously close to truth.
...
well, nothing happens, so. he shakily gets to his feet instead, balance unsteady.]
like an idiot, because this is all lavi, just his idiotic temper instead of the blood-lust that keeps grabbing hold of him since he got back. but he doesn't hit back, beyond making sure he lands on top, slamming his hands on the ground on either side of Kon.]
I'm not pretending! I'm... [....
'i want to run away'.
but it's touch week, so Lavi just stays still, breathing hard. his stupid broken arm hurts even worse because he jostled it while he was being a moron, but he welcomes the pain. it helps blot out everything else, like the sheer embarrassment that will surely follow after.
but for now he just sits on top of kon and bleeds on him a little,]
[ of course, there's the side effect of kon's head throbbing as he slams their foreheads together - but it doesn't bother him that much, really. he's too mad at lavi to pay it much mind. logically, he knows it's not totally his fault. his own excursion left him furious at everything and ready to pick a fight until after trial ended.
but he remembers lavi's execution, and his personal demons hidden in his shadow. one part conditioning, one part effect, one part something kept personal and deep inside.
so, yeah. he's angry.
lavi tackling him isn't unexpected, but he still hits the ground with a winded grunt, managing not to bang the back of his head to match the front of it as he reaches up to grab hold of lavi's upper arms. besides that, though, he doesn't struggle, doesn't fight back against him just yet.
... the anger doesn't fade, when he trails off. but kon reaches up after scanning his face, letting go of his arms so that he can just drag lavi down and press his head into his chest. blood be damned. ]
[All he can see is Kon's face, until he can't. Lavi goes still, then he moves, not so much pushing back as he's pulling himself closer, gripping the sides of Kon's haori, blood be damned.
He can't tell how much of this is him or whatever hell's newest effect is, and he's not sure if he cares to know that answer. All he knows is that he's so tired, and it's not fair that he's tired when tomorrow will bring them more people (one of them being the person who used Tuuri and killed Kon), and how much he hates the timing of it all -- that once again he's broken down and vulnerable in all the worst ways in front of Kon, again.
He hates that he feels grateful that it's Kon who's here, and not any of the others who'd use this moment against him. He misses compassion. He misses kindness. He misses his comrades so much, even though he's forgotten almost all of their faces. He misses the living, even if he's forgotten a few of them too.
But he hasn't forgotten their kindness (and he wishes he had, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad). He just keeps his face pressed against Kon's chest, eye closed as the first tear slips from him, then the second. then the third. until he's crying, the emotional weight of it would feel like he's drowning, if he couldn't hear the steady beat of Kon's heart, beating in tandem.]
[ they're on the ground, in a heap, and it makes for a sight. lavi, beaten and broken in more ways than one, blood staining clothes and skin. kon not fighting back because he doesn't feel that he needs to, now that he's tried to literally knock sense into him. it'd almost be comical if it wasn't heart wrenching.
for a little while, kon doesn't say anything. doesn't push or pull. doesn't berate him or try to break through what remains of lavi's defenses.
instead, his hands go from holding him there against him to let him fold his arms around lavi as he feels the wetness against his chest soaking in. like he can hold all the fragile pieces in place as he starts to fall apart under the weight of a burden that's been built and held for far, far too long. ]
... it's okay, Lavi. It fucking sucks. It all fucking sucks. But it's okay to let it out. It's just us.
[lavi lets the words sink in, and for once, accepts the closeness of another human being.
eventually the tears stop, and lavi loosens his hold so he can roll over onto the ground next to kon, pressing his face into his good elbow to wipe at his eyes. ...He thinks about saying sorry, but his forehead is still bruised real good, he doesn't exactly want to add another to it. sometimes, lavi is Smart..... in some ways? not often enough. instead,]
...Can I crash at your place tonight?
[where does lavi sleep usually, i have no idea. but like. he doesn't want to go back into the city and run into more people to accidentally kill, or run into anyone else who'd ask questions.
it doesn't feel safe, for him or for the others.
funny. that means he feels safe here, doesn't he?]
[ something unclenches in his chest, in his throat, when lavi seems to come down from his spiral. and as he moves to roll over, the further arm drops and the one that he essentially rolls into moves with him. it lets him reach up, tenderly testing the skin of his forehead under his bangs - ow.
(worth it. worth every second of pain and frustration for this.)
(he'd round on him again if he apologized, too.)
a beat, then: ]
Lavi, you can just stay here. You're the one that put it together for me in the first place. You belong here just as much as I do.
[the way they have two functioning arms between them,
His eyes track Kon's movements, and he props himself to sitting with his good hand. only to lean over so he can get a proper look at Kon's tender forehead. idiot!!]
...I made it for you. [gay i mean -- he keeps his gaze pinned on Kon's forehead, a little discomfited by (how gay) how the words sound.] I know you like your privacy.
[a nice safe space to hopefully process trauma and not compartmentalize it, he means. though it is a lonely space, now that lavi thinks about it. he'd made it for kon and yoru, after all.]
And you deserve it too, especially after that shit show.
Yeah, you did. But, y'know, in some cultures that's meant to be something shared. [ it's a tease, a little, to try and alleviate some of the tension that's settled into lavi over the course of the past 24 hours.
he smooths his bangs back, holding them out of the way so lavi can see. ] I like privacy, but I like you, too, and those things aren't mutually exclusive.
... better having you around after that shit show, anyways. [ especially with mephisto joining them soon. ]
[KON..... that at least gets lavi to stop looking so serious, that almost unreadable look in his eye turning wry instead,
then, just a hint of a tremble -- kon has really said 'i like you' five thousand times to lavi and yet he's still like '?' -- but the hand he extends for Kon's is steady,]
...Come on, let's get you up.
[he'll help pull Kon to his feet, more strength than might be expected from someone who's full up on injuries. but Lavi's used to this feeling too, the tightness and pain. he lets those feelings wash over him, all while knowing that he should have an answer back for him.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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So, what, wind up turning on someone else when it hits again? I trust you, Lavi. And I trust myself to be able to face it.
[ he doesn't say you won't hurt me, because maybe he will. maybe he'll swing and follow through on it, maybe he'll lash out and use his hammer. but kon's more worried about him than what he could turn around and do to him.
because he's tired of not being able to do anything for the people he cares about. ]
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but the words after make him go still, make him feel like he's been punched in the lungs.]
...I'm the one who's the murderer, remember? By that logic, you shouldn't trust me.
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[ hana was cringe on thursday, and now it's lavi's turn. he'd like for the people he cares about to stop being fucked with by hell, actually - they've been through enough at this point. ]
You can leave, if you really want. But I'll tell you now that I don't want you to.
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...There's a flash of something in Lavi's eye, that makes him look away from Kon's gaze like it's too bright for him. All of him is actually. He thinks Kon reminds him of someone dear to him, someone he knew when he was alive, but Lavi can't remember anything beyond that.]
...Why? Because we're friends?
[rationally, logically, that should be enough. Kon is a caring guy -- he has to be, to reach out to Tuuri even after she killed him -- so in the grand scheme of things, him not wanting to leave Lavi alone while he's injured and clearly an incredible mess makes sense.
but there's something about that line of reasoning that feels like a scab, painful and irritating, and so, Lavi picks at it]
You don't even know me.
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You're so thick. [ it isn't necessarily said unkindly, especially given the fact that lavi reacts the way he does. kon is, unfortunately, always observant, always watching. lavi turns his gaze away, and kon watches. catalogues it. ]
You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. I want to know more about you. You're someone that I enjoy being around, and feel comfortable with, even if it's doing nothing. I like you. A lot, actually.
[ different worlds. different stories. different expectations. but it doesn't really matter, in the long run. for as much as he wants to get out of hell, the people here matter to him - he wants to go to the eighth galaxy with lu bixing and lin jingheng, see the wild potential of the future; he wants to get to know harrow and gideon more, find something comfortable in the home of engineer 001 and commander lin with them; he wants to go with hana to her future, see the meka bay, meet her team.
for all that lavi picks at the scab, it doesn't stop him. he wants to know lavi and what he's gone through. ]
But if you want to simplify it, sure. We're friends, and I care about you, you fucking idiot.
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This is less picking at a scab and more sliding a knife between his ribs. He thinks about all the ways "Lavi" would respond to this, with a laugh, a teasing exclamation. He thinks about how hard it is to put on the mask when the last twenty four hours have so thoroughly unraveled it. He can't even muster his usual smile. He's not ready. He can't do this. He's being incredibly dramatic over something someone normal would appreciate and be happy over, but he's not normal. He's just -- something. Masks all cobbled together into one.
'I'm sorry. Thank you. I like you too'.
his jaw sets instead, and he turns back to look at Kon, angry and rattled and angry that he's rattled in the first place, more real in this moment than perhaps he's ever been. Of all the emotions Lavi's learned to mask, he's never quite gotten a handle on his anger. Maybe it's the most real thing about him.]
I'm meant to be liked. Everyone likes me -- because I make it that way. It's not real.
...You were there at my execution. You know the truth.
[that he's not meant to matter? he's just this empty space of a person, made to hold a pen and record history. made to be cared for, but only just enough]
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at least the anger is familiar. his has only really reared its head when emotions were heightened, fierce and barely restrained. otherwise he has had to keep it under wraps, because other people have had worse tempers, less restraint, are more prone to lashing out.
so.
kon does not hesitate - he rears back, and just headbutts lavi head-on. if he wants him to lash out, then he's going to lash out, as a purely physical person despite the intelligence, how logic-based he is. and it's not a gentle hit, regardless of lavi's general injuries. ]
You're real! You're a real, living person, no matter your duties! Fuck your stupid shadows and what they said, and fuck whatever stupid bullshit your trip has wedged into that thick skull of yours. Surprise, asshole - you matter to the people that're around you, and it's not because of you making it that way!
For as much as you want to pretend things about you aren't real, you're still a human being, you fuck.
1/2
It's a solid hit!!!! Lavi absolutely falls on his ass!!! One hand clamped over his forehead sans headband, swearing as the cut on it reopens, but none of that really matters? He just stares up at Kon, like the idiot asshole he is, like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to rise up and pierce him through, so he can die again without having to acknowledge something that sounds dangerously close to truth.
...
well, nothing happens, so. he shakily gets to his feet instead, balance unsteady.]
You...
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like an idiot, because this is all lavi, just his idiotic temper instead of the blood-lust that keeps grabbing hold of him since he got back. but he doesn't hit back, beyond making sure he lands on top, slamming his hands on the ground on either side of Kon.]
I'm not pretending! I'm... [....
'i want to run away'.
but it's touch week, so Lavi just stays still, breathing hard. his stupid broken arm hurts even worse because he jostled it while he was being a moron, but he welcomes the pain. it helps blot out everything else, like the sheer embarrassment that will surely follow after.
but for now he just sits on top of kon and bleeds on him a little,]
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but he remembers lavi's execution, and his personal demons hidden in his shadow. one part conditioning, one part effect, one part something kept personal and deep inside.
so, yeah. he's angry.
lavi tackling him isn't unexpected, but he still hits the ground with a winded grunt, managing not to bang the back of his head to match the front of it as he reaches up to grab hold of lavi's upper arms. besides that, though, he doesn't struggle, doesn't fight back against him just yet.
... the anger doesn't fade, when he trails off. but kon reaches up after scanning his face, letting go of his arms so that he can just drag lavi down and press his head into his chest. blood be damned. ]
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He can't tell how much of this is him or whatever hell's newest effect is, and he's not sure if he cares to know that answer. All he knows is that he's so tired, and it's not fair that he's tired when tomorrow will bring them more people (one of them being the person who used Tuuri and killed Kon), and how much he hates the timing of it all -- that once again he's broken down and vulnerable in all the worst ways in front of Kon, again.
He hates that he feels grateful that it's Kon who's here, and not any of the others who'd use this moment against him. He misses compassion. He misses kindness. He misses his comrades so much, even though he's forgotten almost all of their faces. He misses the living, even if he's forgotten a few of them too.
But he hasn't forgotten their kindness (and he wishes he had, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad). He just keeps his face pressed against Kon's chest, eye closed as the first tear slips from him, then the second. then the third. until he's crying, the emotional weight of it would feel like he's drowning, if he couldn't hear the steady beat of Kon's heart, beating in tandem.]
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for a little while, kon doesn't say anything. doesn't push or pull. doesn't berate him or try to break through what remains of lavi's defenses.
instead, his hands go from holding him there against him to let him fold his arms around lavi as he feels the wetness against his chest soaking in. like he can hold all the fragile pieces in place as he starts to fall apart under the weight of a burden that's been built and held for far, far too long. ]
... it's okay, Lavi. It fucking sucks. It all fucking sucks. But it's okay to let it out. It's just us.
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eventually the tears stop, and lavi loosens his hold so he can roll over onto the ground next to kon, pressing his face into his good elbow to wipe at his eyes. ...He thinks about saying sorry, but his forehead is still bruised real good, he doesn't exactly want to add another to it. sometimes, lavi is Smart..... in some ways? not often enough. instead,]
...Can I crash at your place tonight?
[where does lavi sleep usually, i have no idea. but like. he doesn't want to go back into the city and run into more people to accidentally kill, or run into anyone else who'd ask questions.
it doesn't feel safe, for him or for the others.
funny. that means he feels safe here, doesn't he?]
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(worth it. worth every second of pain and frustration for this.)
(he'd round on him again if he apologized, too.)
a beat, then: ]
Lavi, you can just stay here. You're the one that put it together for me in the first place. You belong here just as much as I do.
[ idiot. ]
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His eyes track Kon's movements, and he props himself to sitting with his good hand. only to lean over so he can get a proper look at Kon's tender forehead. idiot!!]
...I made it for you. [gay i mean -- he keeps his gaze pinned on Kon's forehead, a little discomfited by (how gay) how the words sound.] I know you like your privacy.
[a nice safe space to hopefully process trauma and not compartmentalize it, he means. though it is a lonely space, now that lavi thinks about it. he'd made it for kon and yoru, after all.]
And you deserve it too, especially after that shit show.
[mephisto. bitch.]
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Yeah, you did. But, y'know, in some cultures that's meant to be something shared. [ it's a tease, a little, to try and alleviate some of the tension that's settled into lavi over the course of the past 24 hours.
he smooths his bangs back, holding them out of the way so lavi can see. ] I like privacy, but I like you, too, and those things aren't mutually exclusive.
... better having you around after that shit show, anyways. [ especially with mephisto joining them soon. ]
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then, just a hint of a tremble -- kon has really said 'i like you' five thousand times to lavi and yet he's still like '?' -- but the hand he extends for Kon's is steady,]
...Come on, let's get you up.
[he'll help pull Kon to his feet, more strength than might be expected from someone who's full up on injuries. but Lavi's used to this feeling too, the tightness and pain. he lets those feelings wash over him, all while knowing that he should have an answer back for him.]
Think I'm ready to sleep for a whole year.